Black absent eyes
12/16/2022
There is one phenomenon that I have yet to find any information about or heard of others having the same experience as me; this is the physical changes that take place with someone suffering from Alzheimer's when they go into a serious mood swing or fit of anger. My mother’s eyes would turn black just before she would go into a fit of rage (especially during the beginning stages of this disease); sometimes there would also be a transformation in her face. I can remember thinking to myself, wow this must be how a serial killer looks in the moment just before they killed someone; it was unnerving to feel as if my mother was not at all present in her body and had no control over her actions or anger. She didn't even look like herself as she raged. In those moments as she was demanding responses to the venom spuing out of her mouth, there just was no right answer to give her. She could not process what I said, and any response was taken as negative and evil, even if it wasn't.
During these fits of rage, she wouldn't always just yell she also would go into her room and reorganize or move her things around, hide her things, lock me out of her bedroom or try to leave. One day she was yelling at me so long that when I walked out of her bedroom, I closed the door behind me and held it shut. We were on opposite sides with me holding the door shut and my mother trying to open it when my sister happened to walk into the house. She was like what are you doing? I looked at her and said, “mom is crazy maybe she will listen to you!” I let the door go and my sister gave it a shot, but my mother didn't care who was there she just wanted to yell, eventually she calmed down, but it was a long process which involves a lot of patience. Other times to calm her down more quickly I often walked out the house knowing she would follow me, and walk behind me. It was hot under the Florida sun, but she would burn off steam and calm down as she was chasing me down the street and almost every time we returned together arm in arm.
Anyone who has ever experienced those black eyes and distorted face in someone they love knows how disturbing it can be. It takes your right out of reality because what you are seeing is a physical transformation to a mental disease. The person who you love is no longer themselves during those moments; there is not rational, no kindness, no communication. It is understandable why caretakers succumb to giving their loved one’s drugs to keep them calm. I thought that was the only solution myself.
When there is aggression involved it is even harder to remain calm or understand how to cope, because you could be out walking through a store looking at things together and then all of a sudden, your loved one is screaming for help or trying to take all the garments off of a cloths wrack. How can you not have feelings of embarrassment and unease? These experiences are new for everyone, and I believe both parties suffer from their own anxieties until you realize that it doesn't matter what other people think; and hell, if they can't understand that is their problem not mine. I don't go telling everyone my mother has Alzheimer's when I am out, however, when I am entering a specific situation, I do because I do not want other people to have anxiety if something goes array or feed into my mother’s nervousness.
It is four years since those dark eyed episodes. Now my mother still has her moments of anger and aggression, however her eyes become distant not evil. She will not look at me in the face, and even if she does, she does not see me. She is somewhere else in her own head. Elda displays new signs that are the alarm that something is going to happen: her cheeks get red and hot. For example, if she works on one project for too long and it becomes stressful instead of enjoyable, or if she is bored and isn't being given enough attention. It happens often when I have an aid here, because they do not understand her signals, even if I tell them. So, when I get home and see her red, rosy face I grab the lavender oil and put a drop under her nose, and then I get her up and try to occupy her quickly with something else. It usually works well.
When someone walks into the role of a caretaker there are definitely no instructions, and what makes the job even more difficult is the quickness in their behavior changes, it literally happens from one moment to the next. I believe these changes are equally as difficult for the person afflicted with Alzheimer's as for their caretakers (especially when they become violent and hit, bite or attach you); consequently, looking for and understanding the triggers is imperative.
No matter how anyone chooses to do to deal with changing emotions, there is no solution and there is no way to stop them. For me, I have found it easier to ride them through, for good or for bad. I prefer not giving Elda medicines to keep her calm because I do not like their side effects. I have also realized that these moods are cyclic, so I know they will pass and there will be times that she has them and times she doesn't. I cannot stress enough, however, about having someone who you can vent to or express your own emotions. Remaining calm is not easy and there will be times when you blow your cool, it is inevitable. Having a support system, a person or place to release your own frustrations, maybe find new solutions or at best to find your “calm” is key to surviving this journey.
Elda sitting by herself because she told everyone to go away. You can see her red hot cheeks in this photo, a sign when she gets aggitated.
