We are fragile beings

29/09/2022

The older I get; the more life confirms its generosity. We are fragile beings; we all have a beginning and an end. Unfortunately, many have an end too close to the beginning. Goodness and generosity lie in the opportunities that life offers you, if you can realize and grasp them. The person I want to talk about is Elda; I met this wonderful woman years ago, the mother of a dear friend Lisa. She was an 88-year-old woman full of energy, curiosity, sweetness; a mother of 6 children and a grandmother of numerous grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She was born and raised in America from an Italian family, in December 2016 she came to Florence with her grandson John, son of Lisa, directly from America. From the first moment I met her I had the feeling that God had wanted to give me another mother; but until today I did not understand how deep this feeling was.

Let me take a step back in time. My mother Efisia was an extremely sweet and generous woman, she also had 6 children (5 girls and 1 boy), and an alcoholic husband weakened by his disease. She had a tough life. The greatest act of her love was trying to hide from all of us her pain, for more than 5 years she suffered in solitude. She had a breast that dried up and sunk inward and hid the void by filling in the empty space of her bra. It was 21 days before she passed away that we discovered she was ill and dying; it was one of the worst days of my life. She suffered in silence and then she left us for a better life. Sweet mother.

Elda was affected by Alzheimer's, in a mild form or perhaps in the initial phase. In December 2016 I went to Florida to visit her with Lisa. I found myself in front of a woman who was certainly unsettled but she always maintained a good dose of sweetness, love and energy. We spent beautiful days together, and it became evident the great concern she had for her children, grandchildren and for me. Today Elda is here in Italy and lives near me. She arrived with great enthusiasm and has been here for 4 years now. She is obviously subjected to many changes and her great energy is gradually waning; on August 30th she turned 95 years old. Elda has become a second mother for me, and my family and we help take care of her, with all the affection and patience given in this world; we also give support to Lisa who lives her 24 hours a day 7 days a week, except for a few hours that she finds for herself.

Elda is a very tenacious woman, even now despite that her disease is progressing. She remains firm in her decisions about what she wants or decides to do, and it is difficult to make her change her mind. There have been many times when I gave Lisa a break and we were alone together and usually we were fine. As a rule, she is always very affectionate with me, however I have also experienced moments of nervousness; fortunately, it was possible to calm Elda down quickly. Lately she goes more and more into her world and for longer and longer periods of time, but moments of lucidity still emerge where she smiles at you, she embraces you with infinite sweetness, repeating “sorry sorry”.

I have been filled with numerous feelings being with her daily: love, sympathy, tenderness, but also sadness and fear.

Fear

I have experienced many fears especially the fear of being inadequate, not being able to help, or not feeling qualified to handle certain situations. I have always tried to be present and to give my best. Several months ago, of Lisa had terrible news: her brother Bobby had been diagnosed with cancer and at the time there was little hope. It was a time of enormous suffering for both Lisa, me and my whole family. Bobby lives in Florida like all the rest of their family, far away from us. Without thinking I offered to stay with Elda. I could have asked for early holidays or found a solution with my job, but ultimately the problem became my fear.

Lisa did not tell her mother that her son was ill, but Elda felt it inside her; in the days following the notice she often mentioned him, she called him from her the void, she looked for him in the photos scattered around the house. It is as if she sensed that something was wrong, like a good mother always knows. In a rare moment of clarity, she asked Lisa what was happening to her Bobby and Lisa confirmed that she was not well but that he was being treated and everything would be fine. We started to prepare Elda for Lisa’s departure and it seemed that she understood that if Lisa left, she would be alone with me. Lisa began to tell me their routines and I tried to help Elda do what Lisa always did. Elda began by not wanting me, by being nervous with me too, (she usually always unleashes herself with Lisa). That fear of failing thus became more and more present. I was wondering what would have happened, if he did that with Lisa still there, how would I have done without her? I remember an unpleasant episode, in which one evening I wanted to put her pajamas alone, but it was practically impossible, she did not want to be touched by me, she began to raise her voice and tell me things that I did not understand in her language mixed with English, Italian and “Elda’s” language. She wanted to do it alone, it would have gone fine, but she put her head in the sleeve of her pajama top and got it stuck. She kept on insisting to push it through and there was no way I could stop her. Luckily there was Lisa, her message was clear she wanted her Lisa or rather she didn't want her to go away. Obviously, this episode changed all our plans, I admitted to myself and Lisa that I was afraid and didn't feel capable and that I did not want Elda to suffer. Luckily Bobby is better, but he is still struggling with the disease, and we are hoping he will be well enough to come to Italy to visit Elda and Lisa. I believe seeing Bobby will be good for Elda. There are always times that we are faced with our limits, in those times we must confront ourselves and admit our fears and insecurities, face our limits for our own good and that of others.

Don't be afraid to admit your limitations and ask for help. Don't be ashamed if you don't feel up to par or inadequate. Being close to mentally challenged individuals, especially if you have an important emotional bond with them, is hard work. It often brings with it a load of negative emotions and it is normal to feel overwhelmed by all this, we must ask for help when this happens.