Sleepless nights

10/04/2022

Sleepless nights are unavoidable, and they really affect everyone. Trying to stay focused and happy becomes an actual task and not an easy one. I do not sleep well as it is; I have always been a light sleeper and wake up from the slightest noise. My mother, since I am with her, has always talked in her sleep and sometimes she will hit me to wake me up if I do not respond to her questions. These outbreaks of phrases during the night don’t bother me, in fact some of them are funny and I usually can easily fall back asleep. It is when she talks all night long, wants to get out of bed or do whatever it is she thinks she needs to be doing, that are difficult and are draining.

This often happens when she is over stimulated, or when there are changes within her body and not necessarily by anything we do. Elda cannot always understand when it is time to stop, even if she is tired. She will fall asleep and then begin to fidget. It always starts with her hands and nervous movements and when she wakes herself up, she begins grabbing and pulling the sheets. This movement with her hands is a telltale sign and happens usually when she is agitated, can’t do something she wants too or when she cannot understand something.

Last night, for example, Angela and I were watching an action film because we thought she was sleeping (we were all on the couch). She woke up and was fixated on the TV. I heard her say “get out of the way, what’s going on” (or something of the sort). I stood in front of her to block the TV and decided to bring her to bed.

I cannot tell anyone why my mother was up all night, but I do know that she was agitated and asking over and over where I was. She wanted to be sure I was safe. Unlike many other sleepless nights where she spends hours talking, last night was different. Maybe it was the effect of the television. I have seen her react before from watching the news, seeing any type of fight or argument in film or real life; consequently, as a rule we watch only happy stories and fast forward heavy scenes. These reactions however do not happen right away and that is what makes them difficult to understand. They may happen an hour or two later then suddenly, she will be angry and begin to argue.

Regardless to why it happens the night and the next day are always long and draining. In general, it is never usually just one night but a progression over a few nights until we hit the finale of no sleep at all.

Past experiences and emotional overload during the night

Several years ago, getting through these nights was never easy, mostly because this was all so new, and the changes in Elda fluctuated daily. Sometimes I would try not to listen, but Elda can be a radio and in fact we call her radio Elda because she can talk hours without stopping for a breath. During the day this is funny, but at night it is the furthest thing from funny. It is not just the talking that can be enraging but her continuous attempts to get out of bed; being tired I still have two choices, either I get up with her or try to keep her down. There were many times where we just got up and I walked her around until she got tired. However, there were also nights where exhaustion won and the only thing, I could do was lay down next to her, and wrap my arm around hers so she could not get up. The thought was that maybe I could sleep, but inevitably that never happened because she spent the time trying to pry away her arm or dug her nails into mine to free herself.

Being exhausted also affects my decision-making process and holding my temper sometimes was impossible. It never started that way, I would and do always answer my mom and try to calm her down. However, as an example there are times when she is in a panic about something and there is no way she will understand the answers to her questions or the fact that I am reassuring her everything is ok. It becomes a continual cycle of desperation for her until it passes; she doesn't hear, she doesn't listen, and she believes nothing is ok.

What were my reactions during those times when I broke? I yelled at her or just got up and screamed to vent my own frustration, there were times when I jumped out of bed and flipped the lights on or pulled the sheets off the bed and told her to get up. There was no way to be sympathetic, so afterward my breakdown, I just ignored her because I knew my anger was topping the limits. Elda instead would look at me and tell me I was crazy and had a problem and continue her monolog.

Explaining these emotions are difficult; there are my reactions, the anger, the guilt, feeling sorry for this poor woman who has no control and her emotions. Elda cannot understand her behavior or how it affects me, and this also is enough to make you feel momentarily crazy.

Fortunately, I have learned her triggers and mine. I have learned not to respond to a major part of her discussions or questions in the middle of the night but try to comfort her. I use the lavender oil, which in those situations helps keep her calm but does not help her sleep, and I have drops I give her with chamomile and melissa to aid in relaxing her. Most importantly, I pay attention to her movements. When she starts fidgeting, I will grab her hand and tell her to hold mine. I will tell her it is time to sleep and not to do whatever is preoccupying her. If she is trying to get up, I still hold her arm and try to calm her down. It is always a night lost for me, however, even if I must grab her hands 10 times during the night, she will sleep in between. And that is important.

The next day

Consequently, after a sleepless night, finding the energy to be kind, to help Elda to get dressed, get her hair done, do the laundry, cook or any other task that we do daily is physically draining and sometimes seems impossible. How do you find energy when you are tired? How do you smile and laugh or just have a conversation? And the most difficult question how do you keep someone awake that is old and tired and doesn’t understand that it is daytime? I have no real answer other then it is challenging and laborious and like always takes patience.

I try to stay focused and relaxed. I use a Rosemary essential oil to help me do this, the odor is mentally stimulating yet relaxing. One of the most important things for me to do first is to let go of all expectations that I had for the day; it is fundamental if I don’t want to become angry with her. I let my mom sleep later than normal then do my best to keep her awake. We keep things light, but do keep physically busy as well, within both of our limits. I also keep present the fact that Elda will surely be out of sorts, do strange things and without a doubt does not listen to a word I say. I prepare myself for this a head of time and do not take her personally and do not leave her alone at all.

Another Important point for me is to not tell her that she ruined my day or that she is the reason that I am tired and miserable. These are things, that just slip out of my mouth when I am tired because I want her to know that she also affected me or is the reason I can’t help her. Again, there is no point. It does not help the situation for anyone, and on the contrary when you are tired just adds fuel for anger and resentment.

I always know that in the evenings I have help. I have Angela and her family who can step in whenever I need them to stop by, to pass time with my mother to give me a break. Just knowing that there is relief, that it will come, can get you through these moments, one pass at a time. To stay calm is number one and if you find yourself breaking down, because it will happen, get on a phone call someone and talk. Take that break mentally to regroup and know that this too shall pass. A day is short, and we can get through it one minute at a time.

Lisa and Elda getting outside for a snack to keep awake and see some people. October 2022