09/25/2022

II wanted to address the topic of anger and rage because it is something that occasionally enters my life and I believe it is a serious issue and one that should not be overlooked, especially to those that have been caretaking for a long time like myself. I am speaking directly about anger that turns to rage for the caretaker and not the behavior of our loved ones suffering from any degree of memory loss. I have been caretaking my mother for over four years now and lately I am experiencing moments of rage. A rage that makes me feel like I want to throw her out of the window. It is the strangest emotion, it comes from nowhere, lasts only a few minutes, but scares me that I could feel like that!

Not many things bother me when it comes to my mother’s bad or aggressive behaviors; for example, if she eats with her fingers and mashes up her food, or if she picks her teeth and wipes the food from her mouth on a glass or flicks it on the floor. Who cares? Not me. Sometimes I try to help her to use a fork and other times I just let it go because I know she isn't listening anyway. That behavior is normal for her just like her outbursts of anger. In the beginning of this journey, she would have episodes of anger that would last a solid hour or two. She would follow me around the house and just yell at me. It was my natural instinct to defend myself at first, but she wouldn’t listen to me, so I let it go. I was and am more concerned for her wellbeing raging like that.

The trigger for my anger, however, has a basis. I am realizing now that it stems from a few things but fundamentally from the fact that I can no longer help her in ways that I did before. Since she was ill with COVID she is much more silent, does not look me in the eyes very often, is less present. She also does not argue with me, is much less aggressive and rarely tries to hit me, pinch me, bite me or pull my hair. When she is in a position that she needs my help, she knows it, but doesn’t want it. She will call for help but when I arrive, she will push me away from her, occasionally yell for a second, then call me again for help. We repeat the same scene until she is ready.

An example of a scene

Dinner time is hard for me because in the evening I am tired and want to relax. I eat fast and have no pleasure or enjoyment because I never know how Elda will react and how I have to be. One night Elda did not want to eat dinner, she hadn’t eaten lunch, so I knew she was hungry, my mother never misses a meal, she is and has always been a good eater. She was busy organizing her food, moving it around on the plate like she does often but this time did not understand it was time to eat it, nor wanted too. I tried to help, and she said clearly, I don’t like it. I got a bit angry because the food was good. I made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead. I put the sandwich in her hands and helped her to bring it to her mouth so she would take a bite. She took one and I was happy. I put the sandwich down so she could eat it herself. However, she took it apart and was mushing the peanut butter on the plate. I took the other half that was still together and tried again to offer her a bite, she pushed me away. This behavior is normal for Elda if she still has something in her mouth and I don't realize it, so I tried again to encourage her to take a bite. We were not fighting it was just movements back and forth between the sandwich and her pushing my hands away. Unfortunately, as I pushed forward, and she pushed into me, and she got the sandwich shoved against her mouth. I was mortified but at the same time that action made me angry, and I felt rage. A stupid moment that makes no sense caused a conflict inside of me between feeling like she deserved it and guilt. The rage came from the lack of control and the fear of why my mother was not eating, but I did not understand that then. In retrospect it would have been easier to walk away and let her do what she wanted with the sandwich.

The next night same scene, however, my reaction was different. I finished my dinner first. I took away her plate so she would not play with the food and fed her a bite at a time. She ate half the food with me, but was nervous and wanted to get up, clean the table, do something other than eat. I was happy that she ate something because I was preoccupied about why she is suddenly not eating. I brought her plate into the kitchen and when I turned around Elda was on her feet. That makes me nervous because I don’t want her to fall, so I brought her in the kitchen to help clean the counter; something she loves to do and can do without risk of falling. She did not want to clean the counter but was trying to free a heavy wooden mason box I have hanging. I asked her to let it go but she wasn't listening to me. I was behind her, so I grabbed her wrists in attempt to pry free her hands by shaking them. In that moment I felt a rage surge up in me, then I heard her yelp. I did not think anything of it. I handed her the dishrag again to clean the counter. She whimpered for a second and then went back to trying to get down the box. I knew she was fixated at that moment and that if we stayed in the kitchen, I wouldn't be able to clean it, so I turned her around to bring her into another room and I saw a bump on her head. She hit her head on the cabinet corner, while I was trying to free her hands and I did not even know it. In that one second, because I was annoyed, I did not pay attention to her and didn't realize something happened! That reality that in one moment of blind anger something serious can happen was a smack in my face to wake up, 100% unacceptable for me.

How do we control these emotions?

Understandably I am human, and everyone cracks, and breaks under the stress of caretaking from shear exhaustion. That doesn't offer an me an excuse but shows me the seriousness and urgency of understanding “the why” such behaviors happen. This understanding is an essential fact in ensuring they are not continually repeated. I am generally happy. Looking back over the years I can see clearly how my attitude, or my moods affected my mother’s behaviors. When I had things to do, or projects I started that I had to put aside because there was just no time. I would get snippy with Elda and that affected her happiness, consequently she would act out and get angry. My friend Angela (who along with her family have been amazing with the love and support they offer), would arrive at my home and say to me what’s your problem, (oh that pissed me off because I always had an excuse) and then she reminded me that my mother does not know what she is doing and that I do. A very simple statement but one, for me that had a punch! I put my tail between my legs and snapped out of it, she was and is right! Every time I get angry, or I am tired I remind myself of her words they made 100% sense to me and put things in perspective.

I am tired. I feel like I am racing against time with the progression of my mother, and I don’t like it. I never felt fear before with my mother phases, but now I do. This new phase, after COVID, has made Elda less reachable. I have fear of passing time, perhaps because her younger sister just passed away (91 years old) and the reality set in that my time is very limited now as well.

Acknowledging and talking about the tiredness, the stress, the fears and the anger is the only way out. Elda is defenseless, she needs to be protected, loved and respected. Aggression serves no purpose but make everyone feel worse. There are NO EXCUSES. We have choices and the only person we can change is ourselves. Continuing in a cycle of anger means that no one is changing their own behaviors but expecting others to change theirs. My mom cannot change hers. I have had to learn to not take her personally even though she can be very mean and hurtful. Elda's anger is hers and while it is directed at me, it truly has nothing to do with me. Her anger is not my problem, and I am learning not to make it mine. Her aggression happens because she does not understand situations, cannot explain how or what she is feeling, consequently she is trying to protect herself. Elda is not responsible. However, I am responsible for my aggression or anger. I need to always look at myself and understanding “the WHY” of my reactions and can do this more easily when I tell someone, especially after a situation that was difficult. That admittance of my actions because of fears, feelings of anger or inadequacy (or whatever else) keeps me from repeating them because it helps put my actions in perspective. There is always something I can change about myself and the way in which I respond! This lesson overall is helping me in my life deal and accept other people.

The choice

It was my choice to care for my mother and for me if I do not feel joy in doing so, then there is no point in doing it. I knew that my life would be on hold during this time, and I do not want to feel angry or resentful that it is, there is no reason for it. I believe if I am angry with my choice and what comes along with it then it is time to make a new choice and change my situation.

When I look at it, the reality is I am blessed. I have a way to vent, the friends to vent too and a support system that keeps me focused. I encourage anyone suffering with anger or frustration because of the burdens that come with caretaking to reach out, to care for yourself and to know that you are not alone.