11/12/2022

November 7
People believe that those suffering from Alzheimer’s have no thoughts any longer. It is my experience, with my mother, that this is not true. Elda has very distinct emotions, she just cannot express why she is feeling them She also has learned new things, like where the light switches are in our home, how to flush an Italian toilet, where Angela’s house is, just to name a few.

Last year in November on the 7th my mom walked around the house all day with a photo of her and my father. At one point she said to me …no one can ever understand how it feels to lose the person you love …(those were not her exact words as I don’t remember) what she said was in English and the message perfectly clear! When Angela arrived, I told her and then I said it’s amazing how she senses that my father’s death anniversary is arriving! Two days later the 9th I found my father’s Mass card and I was wrong he died on the 7th.

Yesterday was November 7, 2022. Elda woke up ok not in a great mood, but neither was she depressed. During breakfast she was getting a bit cranky and withdrawn. I lit my infuser and burnt rosemary oil, as I do every morning to wake us up and give us clarity, I use it to focus but it wasn’t helping her that day. The morning went ok, nothing in particular, she seemed tired but wasn't, she was in her own thoughts. After lunch she was irritable and did not want to talk, read or do anything. I put on music. Elda was very quiet, in her own thoughts…after an hour I noticed that her feet were moving to the rhythm of the music. My mother spent the day from happy to sad to angry. At night when it was time to get into her pjs she got aggressive because she didn’t know where to go or what to do; her head was confused she just wanted to move, as if to avoid herself. When I got her in the bathroom, she began pinching me and pushing me away. It was rough getting her dressed for bed and then she didn't want to leave the bathroom, I had to practically pick her up to get her on the couch. She was angry and fighting me so I straddled her legs and grabbed her arms and asked her why she was so angry and aggressive. I told her I just want to help but I can’t if she won’t let me. She looked at me with confusion but relaxed. I got up gave her a blanket and put her feet on a massager. I went to shut the light in the bathroom and noticed the calendar. I realized in that moment what the problem was, it was November 7th my dad's death anniversary. I sat next to my mother and apologized for not remembering that today was a hard day for her and that I know she misses my dad. She looked at me with compassion in her eyes and said I am sorry too, I don’t want to be difficult. We hugged and kissed, and I gave her an ice cream.

In these moments I remember that my mother Elda still feels emotions that are deep within her heart. Her anger, sadness, anxiety (etc.) comes from her thoughts, unsettled emotions, fears, regrets and many other things that preoccupied her when she remembered. Unfortunately, I do not know all her experiences and fears but the ones I do understand I have to try to be conscious of so I can help her through them in those dark moments.