11/13/2022

I mentioned in one of my blogs how when you become a caretaker you can never know what to expect and what situations life will bring during that time. One of these such times I want to talk about because it is a situation very heavy for me. My brother Bobby (who is 17 years my elder) was diagnosed with Cancer in the beginning of this year, 2022. It was a terrible notice for me because I had no way to go and see him; we are very close, and this weighed very heavy on my mind. I started a process to get my mother in a home for a week or two should I have needed it to go to him. Angela had generously offered to stay with my mother for a week, but we quickly realized it was a responsibility that I could not put on her.

I have felt a whirlwind of emotions over the last several months from my brothers bought with chemotherapy and radiation; but I feel fortunate because it brought us closer than I could have ever imagined. We spoke almost every day, at all hours about his fears and anxiety, about our lives and past mistakes. We share a bond that is strong, perhaps because we were both the black sheep of the family, or perhaps because we have a profound respect for each other and our life choices. I don't know but I do know I trust him with all my heart and am grateful that even through the distance we were able to remain closer than ever.

Not all calls were fun and uplifting. There were many times when he was in pain and suffering. He also had a bad reaction to his 4th chemotherapy and ended up in the hospital for a week, during which time his therapy had to be halted. It was no secret (from my mother) that I was speaking to my brother, and I let my mother know he would be ok, and sometimes they spoke to, after COVID she didn’t want to talk much on the telephone to anyone, but she did talk to him.

My brother is almost 6 feet tall and was weighing in at 110 pounds, however, he was still a strong man; not to mention determined. Throughout this process he drove himself an hour a way to the hospital almost every time by himself. After the week in the hospital, he was not ok, extremely weak and made arrangements with the hospital to be picked up to finish his chemo and radiation. Two days in a row the driver passed his house saying he could not find it. (I won't even go there, considering everyone has a cell phone and is contactable these days). He could barely walk yet he drove himself to the hospital get his last dose of Chemotherapy; and while he made it into the hospital, once there they had to get him into a wheelchair. He, like my mother is a testament to the force a person can have to live.

On October 28th he had to have an intense surgery to remove the cancer; in order to do so they had to collapse a lung to arrive at his esophagus and then raise his stomach to reattach the tube. He made it through and was starting to recover but after two weeks, he had difficulties (it was November 10th), my brother had a leak in a tube, and it was dispersing toxins throughout his body. He had a heart attack and then they believe a stroke. They were able to stabilize him only to do another surgery. And today, November 16th, he is in stable condition but still in ICU.

Now while I cannot even begin to describe the emotions, I am feeling but anyone who has suffered a loss (of any kind being a death or that of a relationship) or has had someone in the hospital knows exactly how I felt. That pit in your stomach that blocks your ability to eat, the fatigue that you feel coupled with trying to be normal around family, friends or in the workplace. To smile while your heart feels like it is being ripped apart piece by piece and of course having to go on and live your daily life while you just want to scream or cry or hide from the world. Being completely helpless and unable to control anything; and all you can do is continue to live and hope for the best. Couple those emotions with then not being able to explain to someone, my mother, what was going on; I found it difficult many times to hold these emotions inside.

I have very limited free time (6 hours each week), and I just didn't know what to do with myself. I have only one friend that is available during that time to chat, and I didn’t want to be continually bombarding her phone, even though she wouldn't mind. I sat at my garden feeling alone, hoping my phone would ring and I could talk to someone. It never happened and it was a very dark time for me. Despite it, I do believe we have choices and I had to choose to either be swallowed up with fear and negativity or remain calm and hope for the best. I chose hope for the best and to be as positive as possible.

This choice was magnified by my mother's emotions and truly at times seemed impossible. It is one thing to suffer on your own, but to watch my mother suffer over her son was excruciating at times. As I mentioned I did not tell my mother, but when my brother took a turn for the worse and was heavily sedated my mother sensed his pain, heard his cries because they were communicating. Elda's affliction with Alzheimer's when it came to “her Bobby” does not exist; their bond is stronger than her disease! My mother told me with 100% clarity that my brother wanted to die, that he was suffering, she also said plain as day “My Bobby is not doing well, he needs to lay down in a bed.” The day he had a heart attacked she screamed out his name twice. She began praying the rosary, something she has not done in almost three years. She was very quiet during the last few days and began saying things like I am old, and I should die, help me to get to my son to hold him or “God help my Bobbie”; the list goes on, and without talking about each specific detail I believe the point is already clear. I understand how my brother is doing through her, and it has been affirmed every time I called the hospital.

Living two people’s emotions is exhausting and emotionally draining. The only thing I can do is to encourage her to be positive and strong for him. I tell her Bobby is listening to her and that we have to have faith and patience. We must believe that he is in good hands no matter what happens, and that no matter what we will see him again one day.

Facing these types of emotions right now in my life was definitely one of my worst nightmares. But here I am, with the reality that my brother may not live; that this may kill my mother. But are they really realities or are they my fears convincing me they are realities. In this situation it is a mix, however it is easy to run with our fears instead of trying to live in the moment and accept each day as it comes. Fears are often let to go wild, and consequently we cannot stop our own brains from thinking; that continual chatter in our heads escalates and all it does is become an incessant uncontrollable noise that makes no sense and drains us of our energy. I cannot live with that and do my best to slow down my brain and stop thinking, and if I cannot clear my own head of noise then I fill it by repeating the same prayer or thinking the same thought over and over; something to keep me focused.

Today I choose to focus on how grateful I am for the time we had during the last several months and the conversations where he showed me his vulnerabilities without fear of embarrassment. I do not resent my mother in any way and have found comfort in comforting her. Even though I am a mother she showed me how love can transcend anything in a way I have never experienced before! My brother also gave me my mother back for a minute.

For videos of Elda’s experience please visit Youtube